I have struggled in the last few weeks with the idea of why we are here. The newness has worn off and we have basically settled. I am sad about things that we are missing out on; things and events that I had previously seen as yearly traditions- that simply will not be because we are here- and not there.
That was suppose to be home, it was suppose to be where our kids would grow up. I knew where they would go to preschool and gymnastics and swimming lessons. They would attend VBS, we would go to family camp and watch our kids grow up with our friend's kids in the youth group. I planned on things like that, and found security and joy in the expectation. I don't think that was wrong. It just happens.
I am sad that those things will not be. For some reason, just recently, so many of these things come to mind and twinge at my heart. It always catches me off guard.
In the midst of that, I have been mentally searching for a clear reason for why we are here. But, I have continued to think myself in circles. I don't know why we are here. I think Chad and I are always thinking about it- secretly wishing to hear angelic voices and be blinded by a light from heaven shining down and illuminate a letter that begins with the word, "I moved you here because . . . "
This morning, as I was once again daydreaming about angelic voices and heavenly letters, God spoke gently to my spirit- "Amanda, you are here, because I asked you to be here." I waited expectantly for Him to continue with details, but heard nothing. Oh, yeah. That's right- God is in control. Sigh. Relief. He just want me to focus on Him. He must get frustrated with constantly having to bring me back to that simple truth.
So, to answer the question, "Why are we here?" I must respond with, "We are here because God wanted us here." That's it. Someday some of the blanks may be filled in. Or maybe they won't be. It doesn't really matter. The only way that could ever be reassuring is knowing that the "He" who brought me here is true, loving, gracious and merciful. He has bigger plans for me than yearly traditions. Because if that, I am joyful in the sadness; I have peace in the uncertainty and I will continue to seek the God who has guided me, cared for me, loved me, provided for me, forgiven me and brought me to this new place to live.
There will probably be many more moments of sadness, loneliness, confusion and frustration- but, I continue to be excited and optimistic about being here. This is from God-and God does not disappoint.
9 comments:
I have had many moments of that question throughout life. It is so hard when we can only see the road right in front of us. He will reveal it in time. I'm proud of you for being obedient and trustworthy.
Hang in there. We will see you in 1 week!!!!
Oh Amanda - it always seems to sneak up on you. It's still that way for me too, it's just not as often as it once was.
Looks like you will be visiting Smalltown in just 1 week though? Have a really good time and say hello to everyone for us:)
You are such an encouragement to me. It's so hard to step out in faith but you guys have done so willingly. You will be blessed!
Okay, Amanda, this one has me in tears. You are so strong and so wise for one so young. I admire you greatly. God will definitely bless you. He sees the front of the finished embroidered piece while we only see the messy work on the back!
Amanda, your obedience is encouraging and inspiring. I miss you a lot and hopefully we can get up there and see you guys soon.
Wow this is really a cool post. Needed it today. Good luck!
Well said A~. Very inspiring to keep looking up.
We asked those same questions fifteen years ago when we were sent to Wenatchee. We see many answers now. So now, we have new "whys?" but His answer is the same.
Thanks for sharing so honestly, Amanda. I went through those feelings so often in Indianapolis, and now that we're here in what we anticipate to be our "home" but still doesn't feel like "home" and we don't really have a "home" any more... it's confusing and difficult. It's good to be reminded that when we follow God, He'll bless us wherever we are.
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