I woke up homesick today. In the stillness of the morning, right before the sun came up, my mind took me back to our little house in the Wood River valley, tucked into a little subdivision with a beautiful meadow in our backyard. Life was good there.
I have felt dis-connected and out of touch lately. Seems like life is speeding by and we are missing it. Transitions always bring this on for me. Back home, everyone is transitioning into summer vacation. I love the technology that we have to keep in touch, but in some ways it makes it harder. Seeing everything that is going on and not being able to experience it is tough. In addition to that we are transitioning out of Peru. This week I went to 2 school meetings. At each meeting our departure came up and as it was discussed, all I could think was, "This is going to be hard."
When we left the states saying goodbye was hard, but we knew we would be back. Saying goodbye here is much more permanent. I am pretty certain that sometime in our lives we will return to Puno, but never again to live here. Puno is not an international place. People don't come and go. There are no international businesses or clubs here. If you see a white person, they are probably a tourist, a Mormon missionary or us. Usually people who grow up here, stay here. It is not really common to have families come and go- especially foreign families. For two little white kids to be in school here is a big deal and when they leave it will be a big deal. Parties are already being planned. It will be hard. And that is just the beginning of the goodbyes we will have to say in July.
Not only are we leaving people, we are leaving work that is unfinished. The plan, from the beginning, was for our group to begin the work and turn it over to the national church to continue. It's a tough thing to leave 2 years of work for someone else to continue and it is not even MY work, it is the work of our 40/40's. I don't know how we are going to get through it. It all seems very big and impossible to me right now. Selling our things, get packed up, help the kiddos cope. . . It makes me tired and makes me cry just thinking about it. But, it is coming whether I am ready or not. I am just thankful it is not right now, as I am feeling too tired and overwhelmed to even deal with leaving the house to go out and buy groceries today! Thankfully I am not alone, Chad is sitting here beside me and we will get groceries together today- and we will get through all the transitions together.
So, we are leaving this home for. . . something else. We don't know what that is going to look like, we just know it will be back in the states. Then after 5 months of THAT home, we will move onto something else which is still full of unknowns.
After writing it all out, it makes sense that I just want to go "home." The most recent home that felt good and comfortable and predictable was our little house in Ketchum. I loved it there.
My prayer/devotion life has been really dry lately. Like anything, it cycles. I need renewal. My faith is the only stability, it is the only thing that I can go to to ground me and give me peace in times like this because my faith is the reason my life looks like this right now. There is no other reason.
This morning Chad and I were sitting at the table. He was reading his Bible and I was soaking up the morning sun, lamenting, holding back tears as I silently wrote in my journal about these things. Chad broke the silence, reading this verse:
And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life. -Matthew 19:29
Hmm- that was poignant. I am glad for that reminder and thankful that it is true. One day, I will feel glad and thankful for it, but today- I still feel homesick. Even knowing the promises of God and being 100% sure of them does not take away days of sadness. I am still just a really normal person with really normal feelings. Missionary or not- transitions are tough.
7 comments:
Oh, to be in that place. You are able to capture it so well in your words. The ache. The longing. It seems like our hearts turn so often to what we don't have at the moment. I have been so guilty of it. I am so glad you have a wonderful husband and family/friends to support you through all of this, and ultimately the promise of receiving much more than you can imagine for being willing to give up the comforts of being "home" and around family. I will pray that even in this transition your work brings glory to God. We will be in Idaho in August...would love it if we were somehow able to meet up and chat! :)
hoping to work on the sycamore drive roof with you all this summer!
I was at the gym on the tandem bike when I read this, with tears in my eyes. What a beautiful, poignant, raw piece you have written. I admire you two so much, and I know God gave you that verse today. We'll look so forward to seeing you when you're back in the States, and watch what God has for you next!
I woke up this morning with you on my mind Amanda! I always think of our fun Memorial Day weekends around this time. Thanks for writing this; it's always a reminder to lift you up in prayer as you go through this time...(((great big big hug friend)))
loving you and missing you lots. Can't imagine the mixed bag of emotions you must be feeling. Know you are constantly on our hearts and in our prayers, can't wait to give you and the kids a for reals hug.
The lump in my throat overflows for you guys.
Beautifully written, lovingly read by all of us.
Amanda, you have a gift of expression, probably made all of your readers recognize times of transition in their own lives. Your sharing is a gift to your readers, and think of all who will be grateful for your return here
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