Year End Reflection

2013 - What kind of year was it for us?  Difficult.  That’s the first thing that comes to my mind.  I would venture to say it has been the hardest year so far to date in our marriage.  We came to S. America ready for round two of this Cluster Coordinator job.  We knew the challenges we were headed into, but were also confident of what God wanted from us.  We were excited to see God grow a new church, change lives and raise up leaders.  We were excited to live in S. America again, continue exploring and experiencing different places and people. 

We came back to S. America with a marriage in the process of healing.  There had been years of bad habits, hidden pain, depression and fatigue that were screaming for attention.  The stresses and challenges of our time in Peru brought everything to the surface and it was abundantly clear that things needed to be corrected.  I described it to a friend as, “We aren't maintaining anymore.  It feels like the wheels are falling off.”  While we were back in the States, we received help from counselors and enjoyed community with our families and friends.  Without the demands of ministry, we were able to focus completely on our family and we began moving forward.

    

I was recently asked, “So, with the struggles you had in Peru, and the toll it took on your marriage, why did you continue?”  Without hesitation I answered, “God asked us to.”  That’s it.  It didn't make tons of reasonable sense to us either, but it was where we found peace.

 January 2013 Boise, ID

We packed our lives into 8 bags again, got on a plane and jumped back into ministry.  Our life was full of moves, group living, no structure and constant changes.  We lived in a state of transition for 4 months in which we lived in three different countries and four different homes, with a group of 12 other people.  It’s no surprise that marital healing and growth kind of came to a standstill.  There was just too much going on, too much required of us and a lot of things to distract us.  We were just trying to keep our heads above water.  We were getting to know our team and doing our best to take care of them and provide leadership.  We were taking care of our kids and trying to give them leadership, making plans for where we would live, managing budgets, learning our ministry strategy, oh, and maybe, if we thought about it, taking care of each other.

It sounds bleak, but we were not miserable.  We were enjoying our team and all that we were experiencing.  God was moving powerfully.  We spent hours in worship and prayer together.  We learned about discipleship and spiritual warfare which solidified our vision for the church we would all work together to plant.  We grew in unity and love for one another.  We were genuinely enjoying new places and people and the unique life God had given us.  The kids seemed to be at home back in S. America and had no trouble re-adjusting.  God was clearly doing something and He wanted us to be a part of it.  We were not discouraged and knew that the transitions would stop as soon as we got to Ambato.

January 2013 Arequipa, Peru

January 2013 Arequipa, Peru

February 2013 Arequipa, Peru

February 2013 Puno, Peru

March 2013 Cali, Colombia

 March 2013 Lima, Peru

 March 2013 Mollendo, Peru

March 2013 Quito, Ecuador

April 2013 Our first apartment in Ambato, Ecuador

One great aspect of Extreme is its attention to emotional health and well-being of its missionaries.  Extreme currently has 2 full time counselors in Ecuador and several more stateside providing support.  Sometimes I think God set it all up just for us.  How would we have ever afforded or even pursued professional help in the States?  If we hadn't have been in Peru, would we have even realized that we needed help?  We have met regularly with counselors and are getting help with moving forward.  Maybe the moving forward process is always slow, but it sure seems like OUR process is a snail crawl.  There is just so much going on.  It feels like the time we need to dedicate, we just can’t. 

So, the questions naturally arise:  Should we still be here?  Should we still be doing this work, if it requires this much sacrifice?  What is unacceptable?  What is too much to ask?

But, isn’t that exactly what surrendering to Christ is all about?  Aren't we to be living in a place of total surrender and abandon to Him?   Is there too much for God to ask of us?  Who are we to determine what is acceptable or not?  We are in a place where we have NO OTHER choice but to trust Him.  Our failure continues in as much as we refuse to trust. Ouch.  This is all about trusting God.

One of the many things God has been bringing me back to is His goodness.  “Amanda, do you really believe that I am good?”  My response, “Yes, of course, but…” I stayed in that place for a long time trying to reconcile it all in my mind.  For a long time I tried to figure out why my marriage was so broken.  I felt sorry for myself and cried over my hurt and disappointment.  I was angry.  “God, HOW can You be good and give this to me- because THIS is not good!”  And as I struggled and cried and prayed, He brought me to a place of understanding. 

I don’t have to figure out WHY nor do I have the right to demand the answer from God.  Who doesn't have pain or disappointment in their life?  It is a human condition.  There is no point in asking why.  What I have is the knowledge that God is good.  How do I know?  It’s what the Bible tells me over and over again.  Is that enough?  It really doesn't matter because it’s all I've got.  My prayers began to change from, “Why God?” to “God you are good, give me faith to believe and live in it.”  So, no matter what life brings if I am truly seeking Him in obedience, I can trust (which is the hardest things to do!) that it is all being used for something good.  I don’t understand His way, His mind or His timing.  But, I am convinced and can stand fast in His goodness.  When I finally do that, He begins to work it all together for my good. 

There continues to be a constant battle going on in my mind: NO this is too much! We HAVE to take care of ourselves and our kids and our future - but God said, “No, trust Me to take care of you and your kids and your future.”  I am learning to trust Him moment by moment.  “God, how do you want me to respond right now?  God, what do you want me to do right now?”  He has the perfect answer for each situation, if I just remember to trust Him.  I am learning.  I might get this right 1 out of 50 times in a day- 

We get into trouble when we choose to live a life of reckless abandon to God, without fully trusting Him.  Hurt continues, pain continues, healing stops, we grasp for control and we act out of our own knowledge and experience and that causes even more problems!  God does use all that we have experienced and all that we know but, He wants us to come to Him first.  He says His children,  “Let Me show you what to use, let Me direct you, let Me guide you.”  We will continue to fail until we truly learn to trust. 

I guess that is where we are and where we have been for the last year, in this crazy place of continuing to jumping in and flounder as we learn to trust the One we serve.  It can be messy and awkward and uncomfortable.  

Our marriage isn't where we want it to be, we still haven’t figured out how to completely parent as a team and in the midst of that we are trying to figure out how to support and lead a team of young missionaries and three other families jumping in too!  It gets heavy.  But, we haven’t given up and God’s goodness will not change.   

Why do I choose to share this?  This is the reality.  I could fill these pages with only smiling pictures and incredible stories of what God is doing.  That isn't any less honest and real.  However, I always find myself being drawn to share the "raw" parts of life.  It seems important to me and I can't help but think there are others in the same place.  

Maybe these things that I share can be an encouragement.  Or, at the very least, a reminder that even missionary families have real struggles.  We are just normal people.  There is nothing special about who we are that brought us to this place.  It is the grace of God alone.  When I remember that, all the problems seem a bit lighter.  There is still so much good to be experienced.  Despite the struggles, at the end of this year I am still thankful for the path God has chosen for me, and the man He has given me to share life with-    

   

April- Kids overlooking Ambato

May- Family day trip to Baños

November- Thanksgiving

December- Team party

Christmas trip to Baños- getting ready to zipline!

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD, in the land of the living.  Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. 

Psalm 27:13-14