This is the same little baby that was born over 9 years ago and changed our lives forever. I used to soak her in-stare at her sleeping and breathe in her scent. I wondered what her teeth would look like, if she would have curly hair and what her voice and laugh would sound like. I made schedules and wrote down when she ate and pooped, just to makes sure she was okay. I gave her a bath everyday and rubbed lotion on her skin and kissed her cheeks and tummy. If she came near, I would scoop her up and smother her with kisses. (Mostly. Those clingy, crying at your feet days- yuck. I also remember those day, when I just wanted to NOT BE TOUCHED!)
I remember very clearly as a new Mom watching other moms with older children and thinking, "How can they be so nonchalant with their kids! Don't they remember how amazing this gift is!?" And I find myself, now, with a 7 and 9 year old having to remind myself of that very thing.
It's normal and a good part of the slow detachment process that has to take place. It would be weird and unhealthy if I treated my 9 year old the same as I did when she was 1. But, as a Mom, the constant reminder that I am losing something is always there- or at least it should be there. When I remember that one day she will not live with me and will have her own family it helps me, once again, take time to study her and breathe her in and go give her one more kiss goodnight while she sleep. It reminds me to wonder (now WITH her) about what her future will hold. It reminds me to live in this moment and in this stage and to scoop her up and hold her tight for as long as I can.
I have felt more failure in my role as mother in the past months than I have ever felt before. Coming into a new stage, I am aware of behaviors and habits that need to be corrected in my kids. It makes me feel like I have failed them. I see things that need to be corrected and then the guilt and worry and all those feelings that pile on leave me discouraged and full of shame. The worst part of all of that has been realizing in a panic that, "I don't have a plan!"
Schooling them at home last year added to that pressure and opened up even more doors for me to fail and come up short. I know that sounds dramatic. I know that no one does it 100% right. I know that I have a very really enemy constantly whispering lies into my ear. But, honestly, that is where I have been. It is hard to remember to appreciate the amazing gifts you have right before you, when all you can see is your own failure.
Chad and I have both commented about how great it is to have older kids. If I forget something in the grocery store, I can leave Ella and Thomas with the cart in the check-out line while I run to get it. I can take a 30 minute nap and have no worried about what my kids are doing. I can do an entire hour long workout video with no interruptions. They get their own snacks. They run errands for me and actually can be helpful with getting chores done around the house. They dress themselves, wipe themselves and bathe themselves. The require no extra diapers, clothes, bedding, snacks, etc. when we travel. In fact they can almost pack for themselves! These things are awesome and it is great to have little people around who are more independent. But, wow, now they are asking about sex and accidentally breaking windows with neighbor kids and wanting to watch videos on You Tube and listen to songs about love and asking why we have to have hard times in life.
We are no longer anywhere near the infant, toddler, preschool age. We are full on elementary. And you know what? I have not prepared. I DID prepare for all the other stages. I read books and blogs and had friends to watch and learn from. I had plans and strategies. I felt prepared. But then, in May 2010 when Ella was 4 and Thomas was 3, we completely changed the direction of our lives when we chose to follow God's leading and move to S. America to begin full time ministry. Not only did my plans and strategies get messed up, my ability to prepare for the next phase got messed up. When I look back over the past four and a half years, it seems like most of the time I was just keeping them safe, clothed and fed. I tried to give them love and point them to Jesus. How? Well, I don't think I could really tell you. Any method I had planned has been lost along the way. Any remnant of a parenting strategy I had, now somehow seems irrelevant- and I am lost.
Chad and I have struggled to parent. It has, by far, been the hardest thing for us to figure out how to do TOGETHER in our marriage. Did you notice above, how I talked about all that I had done to prepare? I had it figured out and I did very little to ask Chad what he wanted to do or what he thought. I had a lot to tell and teach him, but didn't even consider that he might have an idea, desire or thought. I think he would admit that, most of the time he didn't think about it much when the kids were little. But, they way I attempted to engage him was all sorts of wrong. Moving out of our home country, away from all support and community did not help this problem we had with parenting and our conflicts related to parenting increased and intensified to the point of doing major damage to our marriage. Parenting did not ruin our marriage, but is was a major factor in the breakdown. A few months ago, it all imploded and we found ourselves at ground zero, in desperate need of rebuilding.
The great news? We are rebuilding, but this time we are together. We are more united than we have ever been. Why? Probably mostly because I don't have a plan or strategy to impose. I really need help and am finally admitting that and appreciating all that Chad brings to his family. I am stepping back and letting him do it the way that works for him and letting his relationship with our children, be his. I am not forcing my ideas and plans and strategies on him. It is so much better.
I am also learning to trust and believe God more. I have comes to terms with the fact that I have and will continue to fail my kids. My kids will grow up with some kind of relational issue because of me. It cannot be avoided. So if that's unavoidable, what am I suppose to do? I have to keep pointing them to Christ and give Him space in our home and in their lives. I choose to trust that He can speak into their disappointments and hurts and failures, just like He does mine. He can change it all into something good.
So through the struggle of the past months, Christ has become my strategy. Depending on Him is my plan. My ONLY plan. I am fully relying on Him like I never have before. It is only through Him that I can love freely and messy, without an outlined plan. I have nothing to worry about if I remember to bring my failures and fears and questions to Him. I can confess my sin, my unbelief and my doubts and then ask persistently and confidently knowing that He will give me the best answer, the one that He already has prepared for me! I just have to get in that place of humble submission and faithful expectation. He's got the secret wisdom. He wants to show me and He will if I place myself in the right posture to receive it.
The other night Ella said, "We're getting to be a better family." I agree with her. If she can always say that, then I think we're headed in the right direction.
1 comment:
Well written! Thank you for your transparency. And know that you are not alone. What you wrote could have been written by any christian wife and mom....me included. So thankful for God's grace and blessings on your family and home.
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