Afflicted

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comforts, who comforts us in all our afflictions, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

We experience affliction from a wide variety of sources and in a wide range of intensity and duration. The verse above doesn't teach us that God will remove affliction, but it does teach us that He has comfort for ALL of our afflictions. Affliction hits us from all sides and is an undeniable reality of life. In fact, it is impossible to live without some kind of affliction. What exactly is affliction? Below is a list of adjectives describing and defining affliction- a word we read often throughout God's Word. This type of word study always give me better understanding:

agony                 torture              tribulation         woe

discomfort          trial                   heartache         heartbreak

joylessness        sadness           unhappiness     shame

difficulty              hardship           ache                 smarting

soreness            trouble              anguish            grief

sorriness            agony               distress             pain        

suffering             torment             dejection          depression

despair               despondence    heartsickness   distress

wretchedness     contrition          guilt                   self-pity

regret                  remorse           self-reproach     misery             

oppression         sorrowfulness

The whole idea of suffering and God has been one of much debate and thought over the centuries and will surely continue to be until Christ returns. My biggest struggle has been found in trying to reconcile in my mind that God's comfort in affliction is not dependent upon the source of the affliction. This is hard for me because it forces me to ask questions like, "Does God really have as much grace, comfort and future for me if the affliction in my life is because of something I did?" It's easy for me to believe and know that God comforts those who are afflicted because of another person's sin or because of an illness- that seems fair. But, if I'm afflicted because of my own sin, something that I obviously did wrong- well, that suffering is just what I deserve and I better learn to live with it, right? But, I keep coming back to that verse and that word ALL.

JUST as much grace, comfort and a future? Maybe I don't want just as much. What if I want a little less, because that seems more fair. Somehow it seems like it will make me feel better- like a way to make restitution or penance. It helps me feel like I am getting, at least a little, of what I deserve. But, the truth is that God most definitely has "just as much" grace, comfort and future for me as He does for anyone with breath in their lungs. If I choose to believe anything else, I am believing a powerful lie that's purpose is to keep me in defeat, brokenness and hopelessness. The scandal of grace,that we forever fight to get our minds wrapped around, is that God does not want to give us what we deserve. Instead, He wants to gives us what we need. It is valuable and costly. He doesn't hand it out like a man handing out fliers on the street corner. He waits for us to realize we need it. He waits for us to ask for it and then He generously pours it into our lives.

God doesn't play favorites. He offers grace, comfort and a future. To whom? To anyone who asks with complete repentance, submission and humility to Him.  

God is personal. God's grace, comfort and future in my life will look different than yours. What God requires of me in my repentance, submission and humility is different than what he will require of you because He deals with each of us personally. He made us uniquely, He honors our individuality and He knows exactly what we need in our personal affliction.

The thing that does not change from person to person is where each one of us must start in order to receive the grace, comfort and future that He has already prepared for each of His children. Am I suffering because of my own sin? Am I suffering because of someone else's sin against me? Am I suffering because of both? Am I suffering, but can't figure out WHO's fault it is? Repent, submit and be humble before Him! That is always the starting place for comfort, it doesn't matter where the affliction came from.

But, and this a big BUT, affliction, especially cause by personal sin against another, can be very messy and riddled with consequences that God does not instantly erase. The thing is, if we are going to get through the mess and mend relationships, find healing and claim the ultimate victory we must start with these truths. Complete repentance, submission and humility before Christ have to be where we go before we even attempt to begin the clean-up. Before anything else, we must be in right position before Christ or we run the risk of mishandling that which is before us and continue to be vulnerable to Satan and his constant plan for destruction and devastation in our lives.

Accepting the grace of Christ does not mean I don't face and deal with the sin and the consequences of it. It means I do so the way in which Christ leads me. It doesn't mean I avoid answering or asking hard questions; it means I ask and answer by the leading of Christ and through His spirit. It doesn't mean I move forward, doing the same things I always have done; It most often requires major changes in my life. It means praying, "Savior, I give you all of this- all of the anger, hurt, fear, pain, embarrassment, all the insecurities, all the possibilities, and whatever else that you bring to my mind that I don't even know is there yet and I trust You to lead me through it, to give me the right way and to take care of me even when I am terrified. I will do this Your way because I choose to trust You."

He will respond. He will give comfort. He will not fail. In fact, He will amaze and astound us with what He is capable of.

Go back to that long list of words at the beginning of this post. What resonates with you today? What are you experiencing? It doesn't matter what the affliction is or where it came from- there is a way to face it.

In the verses below, the italics are my additions and serve as reminders as I meditate and learn to hang onto the powerful promises here. Maybe filling in your "affliction word"  and meditating on these truths can give you a breath of encouragement and power too-

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope no matter where the ____________ came from.

1 Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, no matter where the _______________ came from, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comforts, who comforts me in all my ____________, so that I may be able to comfort those who are in any _____________, with the comfort with which I am comforted by God.

To Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine, to Him be all the glory and all the honor forever and ever- amen.

Strategy Schmategy

This little girl came bouncing into the kitchen and I had a moment. I almost didn't notice. I don't always notice. But this time, I did. I scooped her up and felt her long legs wrap around my waist. She buried her head into my neck and squeezed me tight. When she flung her head back to look at me, I peered into her bright eyes and remembered. . .

This is the same little baby that was born over 9 years ago and changed our lives forever. I used to soak her in-stare at her sleeping and breathe in her scent. I wondered what her teeth would look like, if she would have curly hair and what her voice and laugh would sound like. I made schedules and wrote down when she ate and pooped, just to makes sure she was okay. I gave her a bath everyday and rubbed lotion on her skin and kissed her cheeks and tummy. If she came near, I would scoop her up and smother her with kisses. (Mostly. Those clingy, crying at your feet days- yuck. I also remember those day, when I just wanted to NOT BE TOUCHED!)

I remember very clearly as a new Mom watching other moms with older children and thinking, "How can they be so nonchalant with their kids! Don't they remember how amazing this gift is!?" And I find myself, now, with a 7 and 9 year old having to remind myself of that very thing. 

It's normal and a good part of the slow detachment process that has to take place. It would be weird and unhealthy if I treated my 9 year old the same as I did when she was 1. But, as a Mom, the constant reminder that I am losing something is always there- or at least it should be there. When I remember that one day she will not live with me and will have her own family it helps me, once again, take time to study her and breathe her in and go give her one more kiss goodnight while she sleep. It reminds me to wonder (now WITH her) about what her future will hold. It reminds me to live in this moment and in this stage and to scoop her up and hold her tight for as long as I can. 

I have felt more failure in my role as mother in the past months than I have ever felt before. Coming into a new stage, I am aware of behaviors and habits that need to be corrected in my kids. It makes me feel like I have failed them. I see things that need to be corrected and then the guilt and worry and all those feelings that pile on leave me discouraged and full of shame. The worst part of all of that has been realizing in a panic that, "I don't have a plan!"

Schooling them at home last year added to that pressure and opened up even more doors for me to fail and come up short. I know that sounds dramatic. I know that no one does it 100% right. I know that I have a very really enemy constantly whispering lies into my ear. But, honestly, that is where I have been. It is hard to remember to appreciate the amazing gifts you have right before you, when all you can see is your own failure.    

Chad and I have both commented about how great it is to have older kids. If I forget something in the grocery store, I can leave Ella and Thomas with the cart in the check-out line while I run to get it. I can take a 30 minute nap and have no worried about what my kids are doing. I can do an entire hour long workout video with no interruptions. They get their own snacks. They run errands for me and actually can be helpful with getting chores done around the house. They dress themselves, wipe themselves and bathe themselves. The require no extra diapers, clothes, bedding, snacks, etc. when we travel. In fact they can almost pack for themselves! These things are awesome and it is great to have little people around who are more independent. But, wow, now they are asking about sex and accidentally breaking windows with neighbor kids and wanting to watch videos on You Tube and listen to songs about love and asking why we have to have hard times in life.        

We are no longer anywhere near the infant, toddler, preschool age. We are full on elementary. And you know what? I have not prepared. I DID prepare for all the other stages. I read books and blogs and had friends to watch and learn from. I had plans and strategies. I felt prepared. But then, in May 2010 when Ella was 4 and Thomas was 3, we completely changed the direction of our lives when we chose to follow God's leading and move to S. America to begin full time ministry. Not only did my plans and strategies get messed up, my ability to prepare for the next phase got messed up. When I look back over the past four and a half years, it seems like most of the time I was just keeping them safe, clothed and fed. I tried to give them love and point them to Jesus. How? Well, I don't think I could really tell you. Any method I had planned has been lost along the way. Any remnant of a parenting strategy I had, now somehow seems irrelevant- and I am lost.

Chad and I have struggled to parent. It has, by far, been the hardest thing for us to figure out how to do TOGETHER in our marriage. Did you notice above, how I talked about all that I had done to prepare? I had it figured out and I did very little to ask Chad what he wanted to do or what he thought. I had a lot to tell and teach him, but didn't even consider that he might have an idea, desire or thought. I think he would admit that, most of the time he didn't think about it much when the kids were little. But, they way I attempted to engage him was all sorts of wrong. Moving out of our home country, away from all support and community did not help this problem we had with parenting and our conflicts related to parenting increased and intensified to the point of doing major damage to our marriage. Parenting did not ruin our marriage, but is was a major factor in the breakdown. A few months ago, it all imploded and we found ourselves at ground zero, in desperate need of rebuilding.

The great news? We are rebuilding, but this time we are together. We are more united than we have ever been. Why? Probably mostly because I don't have a plan or strategy to impose. I really need help and am finally admitting that and appreciating all that Chad brings to his family. I am stepping back and letting him do it the way that works for him and letting his relationship with our children, be his. I am not forcing my ideas and plans and strategies on him. It is so much better.

I am also learning to trust and believe God more. I have comes to terms with the fact that I have and will continue to fail my kids. My kids will grow up with some kind of relational issue because of me. It cannot be avoided. So if that's unavoidable, what am I suppose to do? I have to keep pointing them to Christ and give Him space in our home and in their lives. I choose to trust that He can speak into their disappointments and hurts and failures, just like He does mine. He can change it all into something good.

So through the struggle of the past months, Christ has become my strategy. Depending on Him is my plan. My ONLY plan. I am fully relying on Him like I never have before. It is only through Him that I can love freely and messy, without an outlined plan. I have nothing to worry about if I remember to bring my failures and fears and questions to Him. I can confess my sin, my unbelief and my doubts and then ask persistently and confidently knowing that He will give me the best answer, the one that He already has prepared for me! I just have to get in that place of humble submission and faithful expectation. He's got the secret wisdom. He wants to show me and He will if I place myself in the right posture to receive it. 

The other night Ella said, "We're getting to be a better family." I agree with her. If she can always say that, then I think we're headed in the right direction.